TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, the town historically noted for historical lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from spot. Built by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Indeed, confident, let us have A further location in which American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations unsuccessful less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: present Anyone a collection within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It really is that he must halt using it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the challenge, replied, "You realize, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Good tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Trump Tower Damascus Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head visible from House, a function getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following discovering the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not merely unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Functions


Probably the strangest component in the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with weather Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Technique: "In case you Bomb It, They can Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Forever."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "where by's the nearest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is currently attracting attention from international investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll acquire a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount can even contain:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to discover a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort wherever my PTSD may have convert-down services."


An additional write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It wanted a waterslide formed similar to the Structure. I gave all of it three. You're welcome."

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